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For those of you who think i have forgotten about my blog, you're wrong. But with everything going on these days, it's hard to find something sensible and coherent to write down here. My mind feels so chaotic, it even affects my health for the moment. I wanted to write a story here, but it came out so...bad...I just saved it as draft and didn't publish it. It's still far from finished and I think it sucks. Trying to put some amount of emotion and spirituality in a first try-story is...hard, very hard. And there's so much else I want to write down here, but I just don't find the right words, I don't think anyone would understand my emotionally chaotic gibberish. Yeh today I screwed up something I was to desperate to regain... It's something that happens a lot lately I guess. Bleh I think i'm having an emotional breakdown/overload. I'm dizzy, i'm waaaay too hot, my head hurts and my shoulders and back ache all over. If exams weren't coming up i think i'd have collapsed already. Or I wish i could collapse...I just wish it. This...thing inside me just won't let me give up no matter how much i screw up and no matter how much i just want to shut down and drift off into oblivion. Maybe I'm trying to hard...maybe i should let things come natural... But i'm tired of waiting and keeping strong while waiting! I'm tired of all the bullshit and emotions! I wish humans had some sort of "off" switch, preferably not the permanent kind tho cus that's the one we all have. Aggghh god my back hurts so much... with all this chaos inside it makes me beg for death, or at least an empty mind...empty because all i feel is fog...clear the fog...
I wish humans would understand eachother much easier. That or I wish humans would stop taking the other person's knowledge about the other for granted. How can a person know how the other feels when that other keeps pushing the one who care about her away? And still, it's taken for granted. God, the sheer madness is...annihilating my sanity. No I could not have known! how could i have when you keep pushing me away eh! Yes of course i care, i never stopped caring, but the way you're acting makes me think *you* stopped caring. No i can't know how you feel unless you *tell* me so, Unless you actually open up for once! Yes you've become what you didn't want to become, just because you acted that way and didn't open up! You should know me by know... I'm not damn invincible in my faith! Harder even: the past few months have been the most confusing and faith-wrecking of my entire life. No my age does not matter in that. I know a lot of people younger then me who are more emotionally stable then me. I don't care i haven't lived through the things you have, it's because of you...no...It's *for* you i go through shit like this! Realise this. Why should i keep supporting if i won't get supported in time when i need you to? It's madness, it's mindwrecking, it's emotionally exterminating my soul. Realise it for christ's sake! Anwser the question if only to make me stop worrying my head off! Do it if you even care!! Damn yes i love you, so stop keeping me waiting for you to *finally* say something! Stop *breaking* me!!!!!