No matter how long i thought for a title for this post, I can't seem to find a fitting one... "dead man walking" "breaking the habit", just al seems too...too something. So i'll just leave it blank.

For those of you who don't wanna read another whining post, scram, leave me in my black pit, for ther others...hehh.

I've crossed several new lines of being screwed up ...if I just had this tiny bit more guts, I'd..... *sigh* ...Ghawd... the monitor light pierces my skull, think I have a concussion, imma lie down for a bit after this...
I'm so fucked up now, i'll be needing a miracle te return to my former self...This just boggles all my former logic, how deep a person can sink, and still live. Think it's that lack of pure guts that keeps me from ending. "So much more to do in life" hah! Yesterday eveything seemed to turn out okay, i even almost made up my mind what to do and how. Then today i "started" it. I actually had a useful day, like I intended...*scornful* look where it got me! Even deeper down the freaking drain. If this is life, fuck it. Everything I really tried to go for just gets crushed time and time again. And I have no choice but to keep it all bottled up inside. There's no-one who really, totally understands me for who i am and how i try to be, what i like and dislike, and so forth and so on. then again, i don't think anyone would be interested in a person like me, statistically it should already happened, just impossible to fall this low. There's one but...pfff, hopeless, she always crushes hope too, altho i don't hold it to her. I thought i had something to live for, but....hehhh. No I don't want her to feel bad. so... sorry. (yeah i know i'll get an angry post from a specific person because i'm ready to give up, but hell, do YOU want to live on like this? This is bullshit, everything i tried to build for the future just *always* gets crushed. There's only so many times i can try to go on. Yesh maybe it was once my own fault, but you also gave up on me eh // Then there's this other important person who won't even read this, even tho i always gotta read theirs...pheh, read it dammit and see for yourself how fucked up I got by all this shit with you)
Bottomline: I don't want to keep going on like this, I don't want to go on like everyone tells me to...*not* like this..
Now i gotta lie down...the room's spinning...

Rurounin

I'm watching Rurouni Kenshin: The movie again. I just got it today. It isn't a perfect version, but it'll do. I'm...having mixed feelings about watching it though. I always wished, when I first had to delete it, that I wanted to see the movie again with someone I love. Although it is a bloody movie, it is a movie about love, and how deeply love can go. Now I'm watching it again...alone...hitotsu. *Sigh* Feels...not good, really. Feels cold... Mixed with the feelings the movie give me it's not, how should i say it... comfortable. It really feels like there's one thing missing.

I wonder...Will it keep missing? Or will actually someone who truely understands me for who I am, watch the movie with me. Sometimes... no, lately: most of the time, I feel like I doubt it...doubt that it will actually happen someday. Hehh, i can already imagine you people post comments meant to cheer me up: "of course it will happen, you'll see." But...*sigh* I don't know... it's been so long now...

I feel glad i'm actually having a 'random thought' post again, instead of a 'passionate' post. It's still not a positive one, but it feels better, a lot better now. Almost makes me smile. This is the way a blog was meant to be made: of random thoughts, not of passionate outbursts of desperation or hate or whatever for that matter. Oh well... It feels good.

Maybe I'll post some more, after I finished watching the whole movie (just finished part 1 of 4). If you haven't seen the movie or the series, I *urge* you to do so. It's a great series to who a lot of different types of people will feel attracted. Or maybe come and join me. Hehh...

Anyway, goodnight all.

--Warynn

A Guardian once more...

Thank you for giving me back a purpose for living...

--W

(altho this post is for one person only, it is so important to me that I put it here)